Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.
— Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
— Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
All ministry begins within the sawtoothed edges of our hidden selves. The point is not to safeguard and preserve. It’s to live dangerously open; to live an unprotected life alongside others. God is bigger than the boxes we put Him in. We cannot tame His doctrines. And no matter how thick our mask, His grace penetrates through our deepest denial. This air is not ours to fill with nonsense and for us to breathe untrue.
—Rockettes Rockstars and Rockbottom
I turned 23 a few weeks ago and made a commitment that this year would be focused on growing in faith. Not that I ever anticipated it to be easy, but man, is it hard. I’ve been struggling with keeping my eyes fixed on Christ, especially when I feel like my world is in chaos. I’m trying to stay above the noise but in my weakest moments I’m consumed by negativity, pressure, stress, and self doubt. Some days I just cry and it seems like there’s no end to the tears. Other days, I have a raging headache and it’s made worse when I stress over not knowing why I always seem to have one. In all honesty, I think it’s the fear of the unknown, so crippling and so difficult to fight.
When I start to lose hope, I remember all the other times where I felt like I was barely holding on and God carried me through. Over the years, I’ve felt God working miracles and I confidently use the word miracles, because none of the great things that have happened in my life could I have done on my own. When I remember the difficult times, the low points in my journey, and the circumstances during the toughest struggles, I don’t know how else I would have gotten through if it wasn’t for God working and carrying me. I thank Him everyday for not abandoning me.
I suppose that’s why this song means so much to me because it’s a beautiful reminder to wait on the Lord. Even if people move on from you, if loved ones fail you, if the world folds, if all else fades, He remains faithful, loving, and strong tirelessly working for your good. The commitment I made is to do exactly what the song says. " stay should the world by me fold… lift up Your name as the darkness falls…wait and hold fast to Your word. Heart on Your heart and my eyes on You". I’m excited for all that He has in store for me, because I know it’s only great things. I just have to patiently wait and let go of fear, fixing my eyes on His perfect ways and looking forward. This is my prayer.
Wait on the Lord, be of good courage and He shall strengthen your heart. Wait, on the Lord. - Psalm 27:14.
Questions of science, science and progress, do not speak as loud as my heart.
Who loved me through my rebel ways?
Who chose to carry all my shame?
It’s been a while since I’ve been on here to write my emotions down and honestly, I think it’s because I was feeling so many things all at once in the past month or so that it all felt like too much to sort through, let alone, write about. Thankfully the season’s changed and well, here I am, about two months since my last post and I feel…calm. Finally.
It isn’t necessarily the easiest emotion to hold on to, especially when it’s the usual emotions of feeling alone, anxious, defeated that I seem to be fighting off. But I’ve been so desperate for some clarity as of lately, I couldn’t let those negative emotions consume me anymore. At one point, I lost sight of will, faith, hope, basically anything that really mattered enough to keep moving forward. I realized I was struggling with myself and had to let go of everything in order to go back to the basics—Me, myself, and I.
It was extremely tough to move on from things I thought I needed/couldn’t be without but if I really want to move forward then I have to be sure of who I am, aside from my past, and grow. I feel like I have so much growing to do. Well, I don’t know if it’s growing, I just don’t know how else to explain it. (what else is new, right?) Okay let’s run through it. So basically, I feel like I need to be alone since I feel like I’ve been too dependent on others for security/peace of mind. I was really really comfortable being the girl everyone liked but didn’t know how to be outside of that. It seemed as though over time everyone started to fade into the distance and all that was left was this girl and a deep longing for things to go back to how it used to be.I just couldn’t let this be my reality anymore, so I felt like the best thing to do for myself was to figure my way through these motions and along the way redefine who I am, where I want to be, what I want.
I think it’s time I started being a twenty something year old woman who has a firm sense of what she wants/doesn’t want out of life and no longer this girl who sits fearing the unknown/wishing to relive her college years. At least, it’s definitely time to try.